Emotional safety is the foundation of any healthy relationship, yet it’s often difficult to measure. While we might instantly recognize when we feel unsafe, identifying the specific elements that create true emotional safety can be challenging. This quiz will help you evaluate whether your relationship provides the security needed for both partners to thrive.
“Emotional safety is the cornerstone of intimacy. Without it, relationships become battlegrounds rather than sanctuaries,” says Dr. Emily Johnson, relationship psychologist and author of Foundations of Connection.
Before diving into the quiz, let’s understand what emotional safety actually means in a relationship context.
What Is Emotional Safety?
Emotional safety exists when you feel comfortable being your authentic self with your partner without fear of judgment, rejection, or harsh criticism. It means feeling secure enough to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, knowing they’ll be received with respect and care.
In an emotionally safe relationship, vulnerability is met with compassion rather than used as ammunition during conflicts. Both partners feel free to express their true selves without walking on eggshells or wearing masks to please the other.
“The moment you feel you need to hide parts of yourself to keep the peace is the moment emotional safety has been compromised,” explains relationship coach Michael Torres. “True connection can only happen when both people feel safe enough to be fully seen.”
The Emotional Safety Quiz
Answer each question honestly, thinking about your current relationship. For each “yes” answer, give yourself one point. This isn’t about achieving a perfect score—it’s about identifying areas where your relationship might benefit from more attention.
Communication & Expression
- Can you express unpopular opinions without fear of ridicule or dismissal?
When you share thoughts that differ from your partner’s, are they received with respect rather than mockery or dismissal? - Do you feel comfortable sharing your emotions, including difficult ones like sadness, fear, or disappointment?
Can you cry in front of your partner or express feeling hurt without them becoming uncomfortable or dismissive? - Can you talk about past experiences, including painful ones, without your partner using them against you later?
When you share vulnerable parts of your history, are they held with care rather than weaponized during arguments? - Are you able to bring up relationship concerns without your partner becoming defensive or shutting down?
Can you say “I feel hurt when…” or “I need more…” without triggering a negative reaction?
“The way partners respond to bids for connection—those small attempts to engage—predicts relationship success with 94% accuracy. It’s not about grand gestures but consistent emotional responsiveness,” notes Dr. John Gottman, pioneering relationship researcher.
Boundaries & Respect
- When you say “no” to something, is your answer respected without pressure or guilt trips?
Whether it’s about sex, social events, or any personal preference, are your boundaries honored? - Does your partner respect your need for space and time apart without becoming suspicious or resentful?
Can you maintain individual friendships, hobbies, or alone time without creating tension? - Can you make mistakes without facing harsh judgment or lasting disapproval?
Are you allowed to be imperfect without fearing it will permanently change how your partner sees you? - Do you feel physically and emotionally safe during disagreements?
Even in heated moments, are you free from fear of intimidation, threats, or emotional punishment?
Trust & Authenticity
- Can you be your authentic self without feeling pressure to change fundamental aspects of who you are?
Do you feel accepted for your true personality rather than constantly molded into someone else’s ideal? - Do you trust that private information shared will be kept confidential unless you’ve agreed otherwise?
Can you share personal details without worrying they’ll become gossip material with friends or family? - Is there room in your relationship for both partners to grow and evolve?
Does your relationship support personal development rather than expecting both of you to remain static?
“The healthiest relationships aren’t static—they’re containers that expand to hold each person’s growth. When we feel emotionally safe, we’re free to become more fully ourselves, not less,” shares relationship therapist Esther Perel in her work on modern intimacy.
Support & Validation
- When you share good news or achievements, does your partner respond with genuine enthusiasm?
Is your success celebrated rather than minimized or met with competition? - Do you feel your emotional experiences are validated, even when your partner might not fully understand them?
Are phrases like “you’re overreacting” or “you shouldn’t feel that way” absent from your conversations? - Can you count on your partner for support during difficult times without being made to feel burdensome?
When you’re struggling, do you feel comfortable leaning on your partner without guilt? - Does your partner make consistent efforts to understand your perspective, especially during disagreements?
Even when you see things differently, do you feel your viewpoint is given fair consideration?
Scoring Your Relationship
12-15 points: Your relationship demonstrates strong emotional safety. Both partners likely feel secure enough to be authentic and vulnerable. This foundation supports deeper intimacy and resilience through challenges.
8-11 points: Your relationship has a moderate level of emotional safety. There are healthy elements to build upon, though certain areas may benefit from more attention and open discussion.
4-7 points: Your relationship shows some concerning patterns regarding emotional safety. Consider having honest conversations about how you both can create more space for vulnerability and authentic expression.
0-3 points: Your relationship appears to have significant challenges with emotional safety. This level of emotional insecurity can be damaging over time. Consider seeking support from a relationship counselor to address these patterns.
“Relationships don’t improve through silence. The path to greater emotional safety begins with naming what feels unsafe, without blame but with honesty,” advises couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Building Greater Emotional Safety
If your quiz results indicate room for improvement, here are some practical steps to enhance emotional safety in your relationship:
Practice Mindful Listening
When your partner speaks, especially about feelings, focus completely on understanding rather than formulating your response. Reflect back what you hear to confirm you’ve understood correctly.
Respond to Vulnerability with Care
When your partner shares something difficult or personal, recognize the courage this takes. Respond with empathy rather than solutions, criticism, or changing the subject.
Establish Clear Boundaries
Communicate your needs and limits clearly, and encourage your partner to do the same. Respect these boundaries consistently, even when it’s inconvenient.
Address Patterns, Not Personalities
When discussing relationship concerns, focus on specific behaviors rather than character flaws. “When X happens, I feel Y” is more productive than “You always” or “You never” statements.
Seek Professional Support
If establishing emotional safety feels overwhelming or impossible, a qualified couples therapist can provide valuable guidance and tools specific to your situation.
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Investing in creating emotional safety isn’t just about having a better relationship—it’s about creating a more fulfilling life,” reminds Dr. Brené Brown, researcher and author on vulnerability and courage.
Why Emotional Safety Matters
Emotional safety isn’t just a nice-to-have feature in relationships—it’s essential for long-term health and satisfaction. Research consistently shows that relationships lacking emotional safety are more likely to experience:
- Communication breakdown
- Increased conflict
- Reduced intimacy
- Higher stress levels
- Eventual relationship dissolution
Conversely, relationships with strong emotional safety tend to weather challenges more effectively, maintain deeper connection through life transitions, and provide a secure base from which both partners can pursue individual growth and shared goals.
Remember that emotional safety is built gradually through consistent actions over time. Small, daily choices to respond with kindness, respect boundaries, and prioritize your partner’s emotional well-being create the foundation for a relationship where both people can thrive.
“In the end, the most precious gift we can offer our partners is a safe harbor where they can be fully themselves—celebrated for their strengths and accepted despite their flaws,” writes relationship expert Dr. John Amodeo. “This is the true meaning of love.”
Take this quiz periodically to check in on your relationship’s emotional climate, and remember that creating greater safety is always possible with awareness, intention, and consistent effort from both partners.
Disclaimer: This quiz is designed for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. If you’re experiencing serious relationship concerns, particularly involving any form of abuse, please seek support from a qualified mental health professional.
